TIFU by bringing my boyfriend to the bar

I feel like this is the wrong subreddit for this but I don’t know what to do. It’s not a funny story. I feel evil.

We’re on a trip in Europe. We’ve been arguing a bit but nothing too out of the ordinary. A few years ago I bought a condo that I soundly afford and it’s been sinking us ever since. I never have my own money. All my cards are maxed out. So he’s payed for everything on the trip. When I get paid I send him my money to pay him back but it’s become this viscous cycle where he’s essentially become my bank. He hates, I hate it.

I’m just going to pause to explain how much our relationship means to me and how special I truly believe it is. We’ve been together almost 10 years even though we try not to count and we try not to say we’re a couple. We just really like hanging out. That’s what we usually say. He’s the only person I’ve ever met who keeps it real with me. Who sees the world with refreshing eyes. He’s my best fucking friend in the whole world and I can’t imagine my life without him.

I used to be a really bad drinker. For a few years it was a party thing but there were always the times when I would get sad and drink to oblivion and almost every time I drank with friends I’d end up piling my guts out. It was a coping mechanism for me. It’s been a year now that I have it up after one particularly bad episode.

Last night, we went out to a club together. We were just sitting and chatting. He had a few drink and we were going to the next place but turns out our tickets were for tomorrow. We had nowhere to go. He started berating me about how I do nothing. How this is our life without him. Just wandering the streets with no money. My phone was dead. In a way he was right. But he just kept going on and on, telling me I do nothing. I’ve never done anything even though he’s given me every opportunity. That I ruined his life because I don’t care about anything.

He threw his phone to me and said take us somewhere. Do something. Let’s see what you can do. But I felt like if I took us home it would prove him right. And I knew he’d just keep saying all that mean stuff so I figured if he had another drink maybe it would quiet him and he would just sleep.

That was the worst possible thing I could have done. Once we got in there it was chaos. He ordered 4 drinks at a time and chugged them all. He put all his money in the slot machine. He spent so much money on drinks. By the time we left he was belligerent. I’m surprised he didn’t get arrested.

When I finally got him in the house I was scared I would lose him. I watched him all night. He just kept vomiting all over himself and crying. Switching between I love you to how could you do this to me. You hurt me. Why did you bring me there. I didn’t want to go. You did this to me. You should have just brought us home. I was already drunk when I got there.

Now we’re at the hospital. He’s feeling really sick. They separated us so I don’t know how he’s doing. He doesn’t even know his phone is broken yet so he’s just up there alone with nothing. For the record he also is not a drinker. Doesn’t do drugs. Doesn’t even take Advil.

I don’t know if I’ll have the choice but I don’t know how I’m going to fix it. He’s most upset that I’ve done nothing for myself in all the years we’ve been together. I’ve made lots of money but I haven’t saved, I didn’t go to school, I don’t have proper clothes, I have an old phone that the battery dies all the time. My cars are always maxed. I don’t have lots of friends. I make a lot of promises I can’t keep. I rely on him for motivation. Now he’s sick and tired and resentful of me because he feels like he’s given up on the things he likes to do to help me find my way and I haven’t done that.

I don’t know what I want out of this post. Maybe for people to tell me how terrible I because no one else in my life will. They’ll all just say I did nothing wrong like they always do. This episode has also made me realize that no one around me truly cares about me either. If they did, how could they have watched me do that to myself week after week for years and never said anything. Even when I said i was quitting my mom was like why? Not even some wine? My sister? Nobody. Only him. Only he was like what hurts so much that you keep doing this to yourself. And now it’s like I made him drink in my place.

I hate myself so much. If I didn’t feel like I owed it to him to become a better version of myself I probably wouldn’t still be here.

Tl;dr: brought my boyfriend to the bar when he was already drunk and now he’s in the hospital and hates me