I don't know what is wrong with me.

I’m a 23-year-old young man who has lived a relatively “soft” life. I was never truly respected, very introverted, and withdrawn. During my teenage years, I attended culinary school, but when I started internships and jobs in the hospitality industry, I quickly realized it was a harsh world where people don’t care much about you.

This is also where I experienced some traumas, like a boss who bullied and humiliated me for an entire year. What did I do? Nothing. I let it happen. I’m a people pleaser and didn’t stand up for myself. I never told my parents because they are pretty old-school.

Eventually, two years ago, I switched to studying social work. Here, I met a lot of female classmates and made friends with them. I’ve never had a relationship and am still a virgin. However, I did grow in empathy and social skills.

A few months ago, I completed my final internship (400 hours). This involved helping people find rental housing. But I didn’t click with the team, and they kept stringing me along without evaluating my mistakes, even though I repeatedly asked for feedback. They were vague. After 77 hours, I was told I wasn’t doing well, particularly with teamwork, but that I was good with clients.

This led to two weeks of stress and insecurity. Eventually, we decided to terminate the internship. When I received the feedback form, I was shocked by how cold the evaluation was. Comments like, “Lacks self-awareness” and “People pleaser,” stood out.

In the end, I switched to a different program: Orthopedagogical Guidance. I did receive support from my friends during this time.

Since then, I feel like I’m no longer myself—but in a good way. I’ve become rebellious, particularly toward my family. My family is very straight-laced, while I’m open-minded. This is causing friction. For example, my mother still controls my bank accounts, but lately, I’ve been taking charge by investing in cryptocurrency and other funds. I want my money to grow in value for the future.

I’m taking control of my life in other ways, too. Since that moment in my internship, I feel like I’m becoming a completely different person. I’ve started stepping out of my comfort zone, like asking a girl I’ve known for a while out on a date. She ended up rejecting me, but honestly, it doesn’t even matter. What matters is that I took the step.

I’ve also started reading books like The 48 Laws of Power to understand how people think and act. I’m disgusted with the person and the loser I used to be, and I’m determined to reinvent myself.

At the same time, I’ve been hitting the gym a lot—five to six times a week—and I’m starting to enjoy going out more often. I’ve also noticed some habits shifting. For instance, I’ve been masturbating more often, and my alcohol consumption has increased a bit lately.

What I struggle with the most is the bitterness I feel, both toward myself for how I used to be and toward the people who took advantage of me. I don’t even know where this bitterness comes from, but it’s there, and it’s strong.

So long story short i think i am a bit lost.