My life full of lemons (No full story)

I just need to get this out. Sorry if its written weird it’s an amalgamation of writing I’ve already had. Also this doesn’t full explain thing many post on my account can give context sorry. Growing up was rough, to say the least. I was punished harshly, sometimes physically, like getting hit with a towel or a belt until first grade. I was constantly screamed at, and to this day, I’m terrified of being yelled at or making mistakes. It’s why I developed OCD tendencies—I’d get punished so much for messing up that I became obsessed with doing everything perfectly. Once, my parents even shoved soap in my mouth as punishment. They threatened to send me to army school, too, even though I had physical disabilities. School didn’t make things any easier. I have medical problems (like POTS and EDS) that made it almost impossible to keep up. Some teachers didn’t care at all—I got zeros for missing work even when I was hospitalized. When my grades dropped, my parents would punish me by taking away everything: entertainment, going outside, even the use of my car. They’d blame me for not spending every second catching up, even when I was barely holding it together. I was threatened with having to redo a grade, pay for my car, and lose its use entirely. I was doing my best just to survive, but it was never enough for them. Right now, I’m in a horrible spot socially and mentally, even though I’ve spent so much time working on my confidence and trying to improve. It doesn’t seem to matter—things are still awful. My home situation is making everything worse. My parents yell at me every day for things I can’t control. They get mad about my refusal to cooperate with their demands (like I’ve posted about before) and keep trying to slyly trap me at home by springing random tasks on me that I never knew I needed to do. The isolation is driving me mad. I’m also trying to work up the courage to come out to my brother, but I’m terrified. He’s a stereotypical middle school sports kid with douchebag friends, and he’s been cruel to me my entire life. He used to beat me every day and frame me for things, and my parents barely cared. Even worse, they put us in martial arts, so he’d beat me bloody with those skills too. He’s now surrounded by toxic religious people and has even asked my parents if gay marriage is a “sin,” which makes me even more anxious.

On top of all this, I’ve been struggling with horrible dysphoria. My body hair grows so fast, and it’s impossible to keep it smooth. My brain misgenders me constantly. I can’t dress feminine because I don’t have anything for cold weather that looks androgynous. And the worst part? I feel like I’ll never be a woman because my parents are forcing me to wait for estrogen. It’s all been dragging me down, making my depression worse. I’ve been having existential thoughts about my importance and existence, and the loneliness has been eating away at me. I haven’t even been able to message friends because I’ve been so overwhelmed dealing with all of this.

I’ve always felt stunted, socially and emotionally. I wasn’t allowed to just be a kid. I was sheltered and punished so much that I couldn’t even act my age. I felt more comfortable around girls but got bullied and rejected by boys. Most of the people who’ve supported me in life have been women, while men have hurt or betrayed me. Now I don’t trust easily, and I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m tired of masking. I don’t even know what my real self is. I just know I want to feel comfortable in my skin. I want to feel small and cared for, to feel like I can be weak and vulnerable without being hurt. I’ve spent my whole life feeling unloved, like I never got a real childhood. Now I’m trying to run a small rock and mineral business, but it’s hard. My parents keep pressuring me to get a “real” job. On top of that, I don’t even have the money to buy clothes that make me feel like myself. I just feel stuck, exhausted, and lost. Thanks for letting me vent.