Three Children Beneath a Trench Coat: A Model for Understanding Narcissists
Narcissists are like the three children beneath a trench coat standing on each other's shoulders pretending to be an adult.
Think Vincent from BoJack Horseman
This is NOT multiple personalities, but different roles within the immature and "fragmented self." It is a desperate attempt to project an illusion—or rather, a delusion—of competence, authority, and grandeur. Narcissists are "playing adult" and working desperately to maintain the facade and protect their vulnerabilities.
The Trench Coat
The trench coat represents the false self, a carefully constructed facade designed to appear strong, confident, and capable, like the adult they imagine themselves to be. This false self is not just an external display—it also serves to convince the narcissist of their own self-worth. It is intrinsically fragile and requires constant effort, as it is vulnerable to collapse when subjected to scrutiny or challenge.
The Three Children
The three children illustrate three roles within the fragmented self:
- The Grandiose Self: This child projects confidence, charm, and superiority. S/he constantly seeks admiration and validation, attempting to embody the idealized version of “the adult.” This child tries to charm or impress—often exaggerated—but the act is brittle and crumbles when tested or ignored.
- The Victim: When the grandiose self is threatened, this child plays turns on the tears. It is genuine childish immaturity. This child cries like we did when caught in a lie, claiming to be misunderstood or mistreated, trying to leverage sympathy to deflect accountability.
- The Aggressor or Bully: When neither grandiosity nor victimhood restores control, this child lashes out with cruelty, intimidation, and manipulation to reassert dominance and silence any threats to the facade. This is the narcissistic rage, the name-calling, and at times the sociopathic sadism.
These roles are reactive, not cohesive, and shift depending on the situation and threat.
The Notebook
Beneath the trench coat, the children have a notebook. In this, they attempt to manage their fragmented identity to maintain the facade. They have a "secret code" to record and hide uncomfortable truths (inkingthay onay oneyay ancay ackcray ityay). It is also their storybook—their fantasy narrative. It allows them to keep track of their lies, excuses, and justifications, and adapt them to sustain the facade of the trench coat.
The Constant Panic
The children, while pretending to be an adult, live in a constant state of panic. They know the trench coat could slip at any moment and expose their immaturity and inadequacy. Fear drives their manipulation and defensiveness, and this ensures that all relationships and responsibilities will be unstable.
The Inevitability of Collapse
The trench coat facade cannot hold. True intimacy, accountability, or prolonged scrutiny will expose the children beneath the trench coat. Whether in a relationship with a lover, with children, or in a role requiring true character, the illusion will always collapse. Thus, they have higher divorce and cheating rates, children who have gone no-contact, and large contact lists of low-contact friends.
Personal Note: I've been reflecting on the narcissists mindset and reading (Kernberg, Kohut) as part of my processing of the trauma of being RBN. I am working on a masters thesis in an unrelated field. But if I were a psychology student, this would absolutely be thesis-worthy. Take this model and adapt it to fully explain the models of Kernberg and/or Kohut or another.... If someone wants to run with it, DM me. In the spirit of academic bro-code, contact me, please. I'll hand it over, but I want to know who you are.
Edit: Replaced "boys" with "children" because this applies to your Nmoms too.
Edit: These are the two books I'm reading: Otto Kernberg, “Love Relations: Normality and Pathology”, and Heinz Kohut, “The Restoration of the Self”