Emotional after fetal demise

I’ve worked in L&D for the majority of my 8 years as a nurse. I’ve taken care of patients going through every emotion from happy to sad to anxious and more. I love working with new moms even though L&D is often very stressful for me, even when there are good outcomes. I still do it because I love OB and nothing else I’ve ever done has been as satisfying or rewarding.

Currently, I work in a high risk labor unit. All of our patients have babies with a range of differences, many of them fatal. I feel deeply sad every time I find out that the baby of one of my patients has passed. I have taken care of many mom’s after they have delivered a fetal demise or suffered an infant loss. Usually it’s an emotional experience, but I’m able to block it out and move on.

Last night I was the delivery nurse for a patient who delivered a demise. I’m not sure how I’ve made it 8 years at not one, but TWO high risk facilities without actually having a demise deliver. Something about seeing this sweet pre term baby be born and witnessing the raw emotions of the parents and grandparents has really gotten to me. For whatever reason being present during delivery hit different. And mom wanted me to take the baby to clean him off before she held him again. And that was a lot. My heart is hurting for her right now. It was her first pregnancy and I really hate this for her. No one should ever have to experience this. Today I’m very anxious and can’t stop thinking about that experience. I don’t know why being present for delivery made this more traumatic than other families I have cared for. This is definitely not my first time taking care of a patient with an infant loss.

How do other people that deal with loss like this cope? It got me really wondering how NICU nurses deal with it. Because they actually take care of these babies for extended periods. Some of the babies we deliver might live in the NICU for months to a year or more. I know it’s devastating when it happens. Does this get easier? Are there any tips to getting through it and not being an emotional mess?

I have no plans on changing my specialty anytime soon even though it stresses me out. I’m good at taking care of these patients and I don’t think I’m currently in a place where it feels right to give it up. I don’t always love everything that comes with being a nurse, but I’m passionate about taking care of my patients and their families.