Overbearing and Intrusive In-Laws

My husband (M/40) and I (F/35) had our son in August. Since that time, his parents (my in-laws) have been extremely overbearing and intrusive, causing us a lot of unnecessary stress.

To give a bit of background, my husband’s mother has been OBSESSED with becoming a grandmother for as long as both of her children can remember. She is also very “protective” of her son (my husband). She has made it a point to tell me multiple times over our 2+ year relationship that “I know he is a grown man and adult living his own life but he’s MY baby boy and will always be my baby boy”. At first I didn’t see it as off-putting, I found it somewhat sweet… just a mother who loves her son dearly and wants to protect him - I could deal with that, no problem. But when we decided to move in together a little over a year ago, there was an issue wherein his parents, specifically his mom, would stop by - unannounced - whenever they wanted. Since I am a bit more of an introvert who believes boundaries in relationships are necessary and because I want my space protected and respected, my husband and I both agreed that we were going to ask them to call or text us before just popping in (something I didn’t see as unreasonable). They did not take well to this request, basically saying “but we’re your parents, we’ve borrowed you money and done so much for you, we should be allowed to come to your house when we want to see you”. It took some time, but they eventually started somewhat respecting my desire to not have uninvited guests over, even though they didn’t agree with it.

A little more insight to the situation, which I believe is relevant… my husband didn’t have the greatest relationship with either of his parents growing up, which in turn lead to a somewhat broken relationship into adulthood with a lot of built up resentment towards them. They are a bit racist and overly opinionated - overly opinionated in a really disrespectful way to the point of alienating people and offending them. His mother once told him not to bring a girl home who wasn’t white, his father called him a “fag” for dying his hair in high school and would call him a “cry baby” whenever he would get upset, still refers to black people as the “N” word, etc. His father also laid his hands on his mother in the past when he was drinking heavily; and still has drinking and anger issues. I am South Korean, and the racism just doesn’t settle well with me. My husband’s ex actually told him when they broke up, that they hope he ended up with a person of color just to piss his parents off. If that doesn’t tell you what you need to know about who they are as people, then I don’t know what will (they were also awful to his ex).

Fast forward to us having our baby boy. I just had an emergency C-section and was at home recovering… I get a call from my mother-in-law out of the blue saying, “I know you probably know this already, but you do know that no matter how frustrated you get with the baby you CANNOT shake him, right? You don’t think you would hurt him, do you?”. I’m sorry… WHAT?!?! Who says that to a brand new mother, let alone their daughter-in-law? That was the beginning of many inappropriate and unsolicited pieces of advice from his parents, specifically his mother, questioning our ability to be good parents. She also made the “don’t shake your baby” call to my husband. Even more bizarre and out of line, she straight up asked me whether we were having sex again a month after I gave birth. GROSS. They truly believe it is their right to have unlimited access to their grandson… something I predicted would happen when I was pregnant, because they have very entitled behavior and because my mother-in-law is so overbearing.

Due to all of these issues, my husband and I had an open conversation with them about learning to respect us as adults and respect our space with our son, to not get involved unless the issue at hand directly involves you or unless we involve you. It was all put out there… we explained why we’ve felt disrespected and alienated and why our relationship with them is the way it is. All we asked is that they start treating us with a little more respect and decency, and stop interjecting their opinions on how we live our lives and/or raise our child. After all, we are adults who both work to provide for our family, we pay our bills on time, we own a home and two vehicles, and our son and two dogs and cat are all healthy, happy and loved.

This past weekend, we didn’t answer a couple phone calls from them as we were busy and had things to do. This lead to my husband’s father leaving him THREE angry voicemails, literally screaming at him and telling him he’s a “pussy ass bitch” for not standing up to his wife and that we’re both evil/rotten for not letting them see their grandson. Keep in mind, they had just seen their grandson six days prior for overnight visits two weekends in a row. His mother then texts him telling him “your wife can go fuck herself”, “you don’t stand up for your parents”and “we are disowning you as our son”. This is all after his mother threatened to kill herself a month ago over not seeing her grandson (who she also refers to as “my boy”, something that has always bothered me). At this point, I’m not convinced that either of them are even mentally or emotionally stable enough for me to trust them or allow them to be a part of mine or my son’s life.

Am I the asshole for not wanting them around my child? Am I out of place for not allowing them to stop by whenever they want? I feel like I’m being made out to be the villain who controls everything and everyone and keeps them from seeing their son and grandson. Make it make sense.