A shift in my relationship due to my diagnosis 💔❤️‍🩹💪🏽

For the past four years, I unknowingly lived with HIV. During that time, I was in a committed relationship with my boyfriend, and we often had unprotected sex. It wasn’t until June of this year that I was diagnosed with a viral load of 196k and a CD4 count of 651. What surprises me to this day is that my boyfriend remains HIV-negative despite everything. I’m certain about this because I had chronic lymphadenopathy since 2020 that didn’t affect me, so I never cared to get tested over the years until June this year.

When I was diagnosed, it felt like my world came crashing down. On top of dealing with the reality of my health, it affected my relationship in ways I didn’t expect. My boyfriend and I stopped being intimate completely. He still cares about me, and he’s always supportive, but we aren’t the way we used to be. We were so close before, planning our future together, and now, everything feels platonic. Even though I respect his boundaries and his feelings, it hurts.

The irony is that I lived with HIV for years without knowing, and we had such a strong and loving connection during that time. But now that I’m on treatment, taking my meds every day without fail, and working toward being undetectable, the distance between us feels more noticeable. It’s like my diagnosis has overshadowed the love we once had.

Every time we talk or meet, I put on a brave face, acting like I’m okay with where we are now, but I feel so low afterward. I miss the intimacy, the connection, the closeness. I even pushed him away when I was first diagnosed because I didn’t want him to feel trapped or burdened by my health. But now that he’s still here, just in a different way, it’s hard to not feel like I’ve lost something so precious.

I’m grateful for my health improving, my chronic lymphadenopathy is now gone after 2 months on ARVs, and I’m more determined than ever to stay adherent to my meds and take care of myself. I know I’m doing everything I can to live a healthy and full life. But sometimes, I still feel the weight of everything I’ve lost and the uncertainty of what’s to come.

I guess I’m sharing this because I know I’m not alone. HIV changes a lot in life, but it doesn’t define who we are. I’m still hopeful for the future, even if it looks different than I thought it would. I mourn what was and what could have been. Still hopeful for the future though.