I have an abusive relationship with golf

So I shot 92 today. PB. I honestly didn’t feel much.

14 months after I shot 99. That was my first and only time breaking 100. Back then, I came on to r/golf and gloated that I had found The Way. I was sure I was on my way to golf greatness, maybe even remotely entertaining the possibility of being inducted into the Hall of Scratch one day. I was elated, to say the least.

14 months of torture followed that milestone. I shot in the 100s, 110s. I’d have days when the driver was good, but irons were shit. Then irons would be decent, and short game would be shit. Nothing clicked.

Days at the range were no better. I’d have a lesson and in the 1 or 2 weeks after feel like everything’s clicked. Compression, low point, swing path. Perfection. Then some minute detail would go wrong - swaying too much, arms too rushed, reverse pivot. Everything went to shit. Next lesson, repeat cycle.

Just like the abusive partner, any little thing could tip the scales and launch you into disaster.

The most disheartening days were the days on the course after having a few consecutive good days at the range. “I’m ready to take this swing to the course and crush it.” Tops, chunks, slices, shoot in the 100s. Those were the days I felt like putting my whole bag in the dumpster and going to find a new sport to suck at.

Expectations. Maybe we’ve turned a corner, this relationship is worth saving. Then you realise that no, those were false dawns and you’re still getting a beating today.

Then, on this fine day, with no expectations, without any warm ups, I stepped into 18 holes at one of the area’s hardest courses and shot 92. No, unlike what they want you to believe, it wasn’t zen. There was no flow state. It was 92 deliberate, carefully thought out actions. I was so locked in I didn’t even realise what I was shooting until after hole 17. I realised I had to shoot 13 on the final hole to hit 100. I shot 5 for a bogey.

There wasn’t the same elation as that day 14 months ago. Instead, I felt relief. It was enjoyable, though mechanical. Kinda like a good day with an abusive partner. You’re on edge, hoping you’re doing everything right so the day will continue being good. The day ends, they’re happy, you’re relieved they’re happy. It’s good to be able to let your guard down for a while.

All said and done, I’m still not walking away from this abusive relationship. Like any proper sociopathic partner, golf has given me just enough to stay and keep groveling.

Golf is shit but I love it. (It’s me. It’s me who’s shit)