I’ve reached rock bottom. Should I go back as a PIMO for survival?

First, I want to say that I’m so grateful for this community. Since I left “the truth” in 2020, this thread has been my new “daily text” and arguably the only place I could go to and feel seen/less alone. For the last 4 years, I’ve regularly checked in on new posts that comforted and resonated with me deeply. I’d only occasionally commented with my perspective or words of encouragement instead of sharing my own personal story. I’ve reached a point where I feel the need to share my story and ask for advice.

Here’s my story. Sorry for the essay.

I’m 4th generation POMO 31 F.

I left “the truth” in 2020 just before the pandemic started. 4 months prior, my mom (who i was extremely close to) passed away very suddenly from a brain aneurysm at 60 years old. Honestly, it still doesn’t feel real. I still reach for my phone to call her. Despite being a witness my mom was a bit of a rebel. She abided by the witness rules that made sense to her but had no issue bending the rules she didn’t entirely agree with, like disfellowshipping. Growing up, she always made sure to wave, smile and hug disfellowshipped people who we’d run into. The way our congregation handled her funeral was so disrespectful and disgusting. There was no focus on the incredible woman she was just fear mongering and pushing bible studies. It opened my eyes and ultimately made me decide that I didn’t want to even step foot inside a Kingdom Hall again.

Once I stopped going, family and close friends began soft shunning me. The pandemic started and during quarantine I found a box full of old elder records from my late grandfather who was COBE of our congregation for 30 years. He was very well respected and constantly asked to give talks at Bethel and district conventions. What I found in that box in 2020 made me want to vomit. I had to read the documents in gradual sessions because the hypocrisy, discrimination and callous abuse of power/congregation members was so heavy and unbelievable. (I can make a different post about what I specifically found in the future.)

This was the moment that I truly understood that there was nothing truthful about “The Truth.” It was devastating and very hard to accept but I told myself…if Jehovah still wanted me to be a witness…he would’ve never let me find that box.

After a few weeks of processing what I’d found and doing more research online, I decided to share what I’d found with my PIMI dad and sister to help them understand why I could no longer support witness activity. Shocker…they refused to believe me or look at the files implying that I was being influenced by Satan’s tactics.

I gradually continued to lose my entire community and my dad threatened to cut off all communication if I didn’t come to my senses. In desperation, I turned to my abusive “worldly” ex boyfriend for support. I almost lost my life last year living with him before finally escaping and enrolling in a mental health facility for rehab in July 2023. It saved my life. I finally rebuilt community at the facility, learned about trauma and ways to effectively process it. It allowed me to finally begin healing. Thankfully, I was discharged and in a much better place by Dec 2023.

I was offered a dream opportunity with a “worldly” mentor/father figure of mine who provided me with a place to stay and work on a project I loved, on a beautiful remote island. I felt like it was almost too good to be true. I had forgotten what happiness and hope felt like and I was so grateful to have rebuilt a strong and unconditional support system. My mentor strongly believed in my entrepreneurial goals, my long term vision and ideas. He said…”I believe that what you accomplish on this island will affect my grandchildren and yours 🥺. You focus on changing the world and I’ll make sure you have what you need.” No one besides mom had ever believed in me that much. His belief in my abilities supercharged me and allowed me to think creatively in ways I didn’t know I was capable of.

3 months into gratefully enjoying this new opportunity, tragedy struck yet again. I woke up from a nap on my mentor’s property and found him face down in a huge pool of his own blood. He had fallen down the stairs and hit his head. He died the next morning.

Devastated, I returned home to the US and moved back in with my PIMI dad and sister. That same week, my car got totaled by underage drivers. A glimmer of hope came when I was offered a full-time corporate job that I reluctantly accepted but needed due to my financial situation. I should’ve trusted my gut. I’ve had a corporate career for 10 years and always been a top performer. This job had me doing the work of at least 3 people. I was overworked, underpaid, underappreciated and ultimately discriminated against. In September, my physical and emotional health majorly declined and my doctor placed me on medical leave. 3 weeks into medical leave, my job called me to fire me over complete fabricated bs.

They revoked my previously approved short term disability and so I haven’t received a check or any income since September. I’ve never gone without a regular check as an adult and I’m in significant debt due mostly to medical bills. Still, I was relived from not having to work there anymore and hopeful that I’d find something better soon.

Since September, I’ve applied to hundreds of jobs (no exaggeration) and my resume is strong with 10 progressive years of experience at Fortune 100 companies in my field. Despite my efforts, I was only contacted by two companies, and went through their interview process through final rounds but with no offer. I tried to focus on building up my entrepreneurial business but my funds to invest in it are non existent and my community/network feels so limited.

Things have gone from bad to worse as the weeks go by and I struggle with no income. I applied for unemployment and was denied. I appealed it and am waiting for a response but in the meantime I’ve cleared out all of my savings to get by and moved back in with my dad and sister. For the first time in my life I’m facing potential eviction, my lights have been turned off (something I never thought I’d say.) My physical health conditions have flared up horribly but I’m left with almost no medical support without insurance from my job. Medicaid will kick in in January.

My sister is a millionaire. She just returned today from a first class flight to Dubai with old witness friends of mine. It really hit me today that she has the means to help me but is choosing not to, because I’m no longer a witness. I know with almost complete certainty that if I was still going to meetings, she’d help me out since I’m fighting for my life, with the odds heavily against me. Instead she feels guilty supporting someone who left Jehovah. In her mind, I asked for this.

I’m grateful to my retired dad who’s helped with what he can but I’ve lost everything at this point. My mom, my mentor, my car, my job, my health and insurance, my therapist, my utilities, my apartment and at this point, my freedom and dignity. I feel like a prisoner surrounded by toxic draining energy in the house with my dad and sis who pity me. I’ve never felt so low or so much like a failure.

I know logically that I made the right decision to leave. I would never go back in as a true PIMI. But as I experience what feels like rock bottom, I wonder whether I could’ve/should’ve saved myself by posing as a PIMO. I’m not sure what else to do to help myself out of this bleak situation. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I miss my mom more than ever. I know she would’ve helped me figure this out. But since she’s not here, should I consider going back as PIMO so that I have their help to get back on my feet?

TLDR: POMO F, 31 since 2020, lost my mom, my mentor, my job, my car, my good health and insurance, my PIMI “friends” and at this point my dignity. I’m facing eviction and my lights have been turned off. Despite applying to hundreds of jobs, nothing has worked out. Should I consider going back as PIMO? I’m at rock bottom and I know my PIMI sister with help me with financial support if it seems like there’s a chance I’ll return to “the truth.” Even the idea of pretending to go back, makes my stomach turn but at this point, it feels like it’s a matter of survival. Appreciate any and all advice.