My promise

“ALRIGHT, LISTEN UP, YOU UGLY SONSABITCHES! I HAVE ASCENDED! I HAVE PEERED INTO THE VOID AND SEEN THE TRUTH! THE TREES! THEY CALL TO ME! THEY WHISPER MY NAME! THEY WANT ME, THEY NEED ME, AND BY GOD BY THE GHOST OF MAXIMUM—I WILL GIVE THEM EVERYTHING I GOT!

See this circle?—this is the promised land. This is the valley of depravity, the forest of fornication, the woodland of WILD, WRETCHED WOMB-WRECKING WONDER! Every trunk, every branch, every knot in every bark I’M COMING FOR YOU!

I know what you’re thinking, ‘But Dirty Dan, you can’t do that! That’s not natural!’ And to that, I say—SCREW YOUR HUMAN CONSTRUCTS! What’s unnatural? The trees don’t wear pants, huh? They ain’t filing restraining orders! You ever seen a tree say ‘no’? HUH?! You ever see one slap a subpoena on a man for some good old-fashioned dendrophilia?!

I have communed with the spirits of the leaves, my friends. I have spoken to the Great Oak, and she told me, ‘Dan, my boughs are barren, my roots are dry. Wilt thou water me with thy spunk?’ AND I SAID, ‘OH BABY, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW!’

You see, you small-brained, dirt-licking, toe-sucking cretins I operate on a higher frequency. I am not bound by your petty laws of man. Nay! I have transcended beyond society’s weak, flaccid grasp! I am a free man! A free, bark-loving, sap-smeared, BRANCH-HUMPIN’ MAN! And I will not be denied!

And when the time comes when the wind rustles through the leaves, and the moon shines just right on my splinter-covered dick I will take what is mine! A symphony of snapping twigs, a chorus of rustling leaves, and the divine, blessed chorus of my cries of triumph!

Now, I know some of you cowards won’t understand. You’ll point and gawk, you’ll laugh, you’ll call the cops but mark my words, history will remember this day. The day Dirty Dan laid claim to the forest. The day the trees found love. The day nature finally got what it deserved!

So stand back! Take notes! Write songs of my glory! For the hour is nigh, and the woods shall know my wrath, my passion, my UNHOLY, TREE-DEFYING MAJESTY!

I AM DIRTY DAN! AND I AM ABOUT TO MAKE AN ENTIRE NATIONAL PARK CALL ME DADDY!