My Boyfriend Laughed at a Racist Joke About Me—Now I’m Not Sure What to Do

I never thought I’d ever post on Reddit, but here I am. I made this account specifically to ask for advice because I don’t know what to do, and I’m feeling really lost.

I’m 21F, and I’ve been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend, 22M, for four years. He’s from South Korea, and I’m from South Africa. We’ve made it work by taking turns visiting each other, and last year it was his turn. He was really excited to experience a South African summer in December. He arrived last month, and I was looking forward to our time together.

What I didn’t know beforehand was that he’d be bringing a few of his friends. He didn’t tell me, but I didn’t mind too much since I’ve met them before and feel comfortable around them.

On Friday, we all went to the beach. While we were applying sunscreen, one of his friends made a joke in Korean that had everyone laughing except me, because I don’t understand Korean. I didn’t think much of it at the time, and we all went on to enjoy the day.

When we were walking back to where my boyfriend and his friends were staying, I asked him what the joke was. He laughed and said, “Oh, he said you’re already Black, so what’s the point of applying sunscreen?”

I froze. I couldn’t believe what I’d just heard. I asked him to repeat it, and he did, laughing again like it was no big deal. I asked him, “What the fuck is wrong with you, laughing at such an ignorant joke?” That’s when it seemed to click for him that I was deeply offended. He immediately apologized, but I was so upset that I told him to catch up with his friends because I wasn’t going back with them. I went home and told him we’d talk later.

For some context: I’m a dark-skinned Black woman, and my complexion is similar to Anok Yai’s. I’ve come a long way in loving my skin tone after years of bullying and feeling like an outsider. Growing up, I was always the darkest person in my family and my friend group. I’ve faced rejection because of my skin tone, and I promised myself I wouldn’t tolerate any relationship where a guy made jokes or comments about my complexion or race.

What hurts most is that my boyfriend knows all of this. He wasn’t raised in Korea, he grew up in a diverse country, has Black friends, and is fluent in English. He understands these dynamics, which is why I’m more hurt by his reaction than by the joke itself. I don’t even care about his friends; they barely speak English, and they’re not my problem. My issue is with him, the person who is supposed to respect and love me. finding that joke funny.

Since Friday, he’s been sending me messages apologizing, but I don’t know if I’ll ever see him the same way again. My parents think what he did was disgusting and that I should end the relationship. My friends think I’m overreacting and that it’s not worth ending four years over something “small.” But they’ve never been bullied for their skin tone. They’ve never had guys reject them because of their complexion.

I love this man, but I can’t shake the feeling that this has changed everything. Part of me wants to forgive him, but another part of me wonders if I’d be betraying myself by letting this slide.

If anyone has been in a similar situation or has advice, I’d really appreciate hearing it.