My daughter has been cutting herself

Back in 2021, when my daughter was sleeping, her shorts rolled up, and I saw the word "die" carved out into her thigh, along with some small cuts next to it. I immediately felt sick to my stomach because we had a fight the day prior, and I suspected that's why she did it. 

Once she woke up, I demanded that she explains why she did it, and that it's not normal to cut yourself, but she didn't want to talk about it. I said I was getting her an appointment with a therapist, but she very aggressively "declined" that offer. I began doing body checks, and she got extremely upset whenever I did them. I never got around to getting her an appointment because our relationship was already bad, and I didn't think this behavior would continue.    I stopped mentioning it after a month or so, even though it still upset me. Fast-forward to the end of 2023, my daughter asked me for an appointment with a psychiatrist for Christmas. I was a little dumbfounded at first, but I agreed. However, I took her to a psychologist instead because I think that since it was her first ever visit to a mental health specialist, a psychiatrist sounded a bit extreme. 

The therapist said that there's not much she can do, and I can go ahead and get my daughter an appointment with a psychiatrist. There's only one child psychiatrist in my city, so the closest date was March 28, 2024. Because of that, my daughter got really pissed and didn't talk to me for days, her reasoning being, "I shouldn't have insisted on going to the therapist and just trust her with her choice."

At the beginning of 2024, my daughter started wearing long-sleeved shirts and sweatpants around the house. That wouldn't be weird if not for the fact that it's warm in our home, and she always wore shorts and t-shirts. I started getting a little suspicious, but I didn't want to make any assumptions. That was until I saw a blood stain on her carpet, that she claimed was from a nosebleed.

I didn't believe her; my gut feeling was telling me that she was hurting herself again. Today, when she met up with some friends, I searched through her room. I found a box with razor blades, gauze, ointments, and much, much more.

In the evening, when she came back, I confronted her. She got red-faced and became furious with me going through her room. I told her that I wasn't wrong to do that, and it wouldn't be a problem if she didn't have anything to hide, which she clearly did. Something set off in her once I said that, and she stated that I'm one of the many reasons why she cuts herself.

I started crying. I just want to understand her, but it's so hard when she doesn't want to tell me anything. She continued by telling me that I'm pathetic, that she has been cutting herself for the past 6 years, ever since she was 9, that I'm a horrible mother for never noticing, and that she wanted to kill herself on New Year's Eve. 

Hearing that made me break down completely, I just started asking why wouldn't she tell me about it, and that we could work out something together. She rolled up her sleeves, dropped her pants to the floor and brought her shirt up. Her whole body was covered in scars. Her arms, her stomach, her thighs, her calves, everything. The last thing she said was "There's no fixing that" as she stormed off. 

I've been trying to reach her for the past 2 hours, but she's not picking up the phone. I know she's at her friends because I called that friend's mother, but after telling her that we had a fight, she said that it's better if my daughter stays the night since she was looking really upset. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm worried about her, but mostly mad at myself for not reacting earlier.