hardest thing i've ever dealt with in my life

i am so fucking tired. every day i wake up and all i can think about is killing myself. the ocd has convinced me that none of my friends actually like me and that i'm a worthless waste of a human. i can't believe any reassurance i am given. i think everyone is lying and just being nice to me because they feel pity. i'm drained, and i know i'm draining my friends that i talk to when i'm feeling shitty. they will never see me the same. they know i'm sick. my mom knows i'm sick. i can't see myself graduating, going to college, etc. i don't think i have a future. this is so hard. i'm so ready to give up. i am. the idea of it doesn't even scare me that bad anymore. i'm not sure why i'm still here, some sad pathetic part of me still wants to try.