Are daughters expected to take care of their elderly parents?

My mom always had medical problems resulting into surgeries if it’s for her shoulder, back, knee, those are the ones I can remember but I think there’s more. It was always very intense like having to help my mom get dressed and do stuff for her. I don’t mind helping her do stuff but the getting dressed part I always felt uncomfortable with. I’m not the best person at this type of stuff and my mom will be getting a hip replacement soon. I suggested to my mom how about a rehab facility? She expressed to me she doesn’t want to go when her family can take care of her. I told her I understand but the people who work at rehabs can help more in a professional way that myself nor my dad knows how to help in that way. I also have back problems to this day I’m very careful and I don’t want to physically put myself in any type of situation that can hurt my back. Really, I’m not in any good physical condition to help her. I’m not trying to sound “oh poor me” but besides a history with a bad back I’m only 4’11 and weigh 117. I’m not in the best condition to help her the way she would need help.

My mom also said if it was me she would help me because “that’s what family is for”. I told her that I don’t expect anyone to help me if I had a medical procedure done and I rather get medical help. Because trained professionals can help me recover more than my mom or dad could.

Last night my mom was telling me about her hip replacement and she needs my help. I told her I’m not comfortable taking care of her when there’s medical professionals that can take care of her. I suggested rehab or a nurse that comes to the house. She said “then what happens when I get older? are you going to send me to a nursing home?” and I said “if I find that it would be better fit and if there’s someway I can’t take care of you then it’s something to figure out then”. She wasn’t happy at all and said that as her daughter I should feel comfortable bathing her and helping her get changed. I told her I have every right not to feel comfortable with this idea and it led into an argument. She insisted that this is a part of life and daughter’s are happy to take care of their mothers. She made it sound like it’s the normal thing to do. She even said that daughters let their parents move into their houses or they move back home to take care of the parents. I’m not doing that like there’s also a chance I might be moving abroad to South Korea to be with my husband.

I said to her that she sent her mom to a nursing home and she said the nursing home killed her mother and it’s all a rat hole. I said they aren’t all like that and maybe grandma died from other reasons? She then threw it back at me and said “I can’t believe I have such a mean horrible daughter”. I went completely quiet and said “you have a son too how is he going to help?” she said it’s the daughter’s responsibility to help and doesn’t expect my brother to do this stuff.

For some background my husband is in South Korea as we’re waiting for a visa that takes 1.5 years. I could have moved to South Korea but I felt like life would be better here but also with guilt from my parents I thought life would be better here. During the argument I said “I should have moved to South Korea” my mom continued to scream and told me not to threaten her with that. But really I gave up being with my husband in South Korea to live this life?

It’s like we’re not even at this point of life yet where she’s old and needs this stuff. Yeah she’s in bad physical health but she’s only 65. I don’t know what to do if I’m wrong for any of this? I can’t believe I gave up being with my husband and only see him 3 times a year for this. I don’t know why my brother is excused from this but I’m expected to be the helpful for suggesting to my mom she should go to rehab after a medical procedure? But most of all I’m wondering when your parents get older are they going to live with you? Do they expert your help? How do you feel about any of that stuff and am I in the wrong?