really hope enough is enough this time

i’ve been on a huge binge for the last two months, i got cheated on by my boyfriend of 2 years and then immediately fell into like a messy situationship and with one of my best friends (who, just like me, has bpd and a ket problem, and we haven’t spoken in like 2 weeks), so i’ve been using like crazy. every day i wake up and truly want to stop - my nose hurts so much, i just feel generally gross and my mental health is nottt good - but then the evening comes around and im alone or even with other people and i still just want to pick up every single night!! its currently almost 6 am and i can’t sleep because I picked up 2g tonight (in what i think was supposed to be like, a last hoorah) and im so afraid that tomorrow night i will have completely forgotten the resolve i am feeling right now. it also super doesn’t help matters that one of my other really close friends is literally my k dealer and he lets me pay him back later …

how do i stay strong? it just feels so so impossible. the weird thing is i don’t think i even like being on ket that much, but when i’m sober its the only thing i want. I don’t want this to be my life.