Love language and other red flags

The sheer audacity of some of these sentient sock puppets masquerading as men I've met on dating apps manages to astound me. Every other profile is a walking cliché: "My love language is physical touch." Oh, wow, groundbreaking. Such depth. So nuanced. What you really mean, you numb-skulled dust bunny, is that you want to get laid on the first date and you think dressing it up in psychology-lite terminology will make you sound emotionally intelligent instead of like a toddler grasping for the nearest shiny object.

Like, sir, your bio is two lines long, one of which is "Just ask ;)" and the other is a quote from Fight Club. You're not exactly radiating "deep emotional connection" energy here. But sure, tell me again how "physical touch" is your love language as you swipe right on every woman within a 10km radius like a malfunctioning Roomba set to "desperate."

And don’t even get me started on the ones who try to act like it’s some romantic tragedy when you don’t immediately want to play naked Twister after one overpriced coffee date. "Oh, so you don’t like intimacy?" No, my guy, I just don’t want to risk my safety and sanity for a man who thinks "Netflix and chill" is a personality trait.

Love language? More like lust language. Call it what it is, you bargain-bin Romeo.