Made the mistake of watching romance

I watched a specific romance movie for the first time today, and it left me feeling certain ways.

For one, I could not relate to the main character at all lol. Her experience of boldly, coyly flirting with men? Being so witty? I can only dream of that online! Irl, I try being friendly to men my age and they give me the "sweet, cool, okay," comments with no eye contact. Honestly, that was one of the things that made me stop giving eye contact to people. It's still a struggle.

I also had certain scenes be ruined because of how I realized I view myself.

In certain ones, she was looking at the man doing something, getting a small smile, and then freaking out when she got caught. Me, I didn't feel anything but panic the whole way through because I was just picturing "myself" doing that, and it made me think of how creepy it would have been because that's how I've been conditioned to see myself. What else would someone think if they saw me looking at them?

Eye contact is a normal thing when connecting with others, and you see it all the time when there's romantic interest. But me, I've always seen myself as this disgusting and ugly person that it makes me draw inward. Idk if anyone will understand that point, but lmk if you do. I feel so alone with it.

No one has ever liked me like that, and I've only ever gotten disgust and worry that I might dare to think they want me, so they get aggressive with ignoring me. It's so painful.

I just could not relate to her at all. Having someone look at you like that? The happy ending with him adoring her?

It reminded me why I avoid romantic movies lol. It's just too painful.