Maybe I've ran too far...

I (47F) have been a christian almost all my life. I've been one who has always taken it very seriously. Even in my rebellious teenage years, I was reading and praying. This maga thing has broke me. Since two thousand sixteen I have been trying to be patient with my mega friends and family. Trying to trust the Lord that they will come to their senses. I lost my church over covid. I could just never feel comfortable there again. After how that whole thing was treated. How they made me feel like a backslider for following guidelines of masking and staying home.

When I woke up the morning after the election and found out that after all these years of evidence piling up of what a disgusting man he is they still elected him as president of our country, i told my husband fine you win. I'm a female.I guess I should know my place. I took all of my theology books that i've read and gathered through the years packed them up and put them in storage. I've always been the spiritual leader of our family. I asked him if he wanted to take over that role like he's supposed to and have the these books on his shelf and he declined.

Since then i've gone back and forth between raging online.Against this administration's actions, and turning into a zombie stepford wife. My prayers are quite sporadic. And I haven't read a word of scripture since. I know that's wrong, but i'm just so tired. So tired of talking to brick walls. I really just want to self medicate until this is all over.

I don't know what i'm accomplishing with this post.Except just getting my feelings out into the universe, because there really isn't anybody in my real life I can talk to. I'm sure what I need is a church family but the thought of walking through the doors of a church after what i've been through, is just repulsive to me.

Edit: if you're going to come on here and lecture me with the same tired garbage i've been hearing, you're only going to get blocked. I'm done with people like you.