Breaking Down Bates
1. The Stew Crew were able to head off on their influencer Disney cruise with the knowledge that their newest vlog was nearing 200,000 views. Carlin’s crocodile tears allowed for some delayed posting while at sea. Layla received her gifts from Kelly Jo and Carlin was able to post that along with close-ups of Layla in a princess dress posing and throwing faces. Carlin offers links to all of Kelly’s birthday gifts and pushes links for her own Abercrombie outfits… no BSB to be found. We see a mini vlog of their travel day heading to the cruise. Apparently these 2 numbskulls either never got or couldn’t find Zade’s birth certificate and Evan had to make a mad dash to pick one up while Carlin was left to struggle with her own children alone at the airport. Zade is lucky he didn’t get dropped off at the big house. He surely made this cruise by the skin of his teeth. We see Zade appearing to pray on the flight and Carlin’s subtitles tell us he is praying to meet Mickey Mouse. In reality he was saying, “Lord please let these fools remember me and not leave me at baggage claim”. Later in the week, Carlin tells us that she didn’t post in real time because she wanted to enjoy the trip with her kids, but we all know it’s because the high powered WiFi package was not included in their free package and Carlin IS Gil Bates child so the content will wait until WiFi isn’t an extra charge. She did manage to hook up to WiFi long enough to post a reel showing them surprising Layla for her 5thbirthday. The audience is supposed to believe that this child was fast asleep in a tiny little ship cabin while her parents climbed all over her bed, set up balloons and gifts on the bed and giggled and whispered while doing it. The video has approximately 75 edits but it is still super obvious that Layla is in fact, NOT asleep, but being forced to work while on a supposed vacation. Layla is dressed on camera in a tiny tutu that is too big and her top keeps falling down but the editing somehow missed that….this reel currently has 3.2 MILLION likes, 284,000 shares and comments that are an absolute wreck… compare that to Carlin’s travel day reel that has 129 shares. Carlin posts a carousel of pictures celebrating Layla and adds one of Zade with the caption “And Zade too”. That caption seems to be the Stew Crew motto.
2. The Clark family took a content making trip to the Ripley’s aquarium in Gatlinburg. Katie readily admits that it’s been hard trying to find things to do (i.e. film) in this cold winter season. Travis filmed while Katie pointed and said “look”, “look”, “see??” to her 2 babies. Later, we see Hailey scribbling all over a paper that Katie says is a picture of Granny. They take lunch to Granny Kelly Jo at the big house and Gil greets them at the door. Before they can get inside, they have to make it through the tons of junk piled up on the front porch, including a workout system. The big house is a dang mess. There is trash on the floor, the door frame appears to have been chewed/scratched up, cups and things sitting around everywhere, toys scattered and the big brown couch has stains everywhere. Gil is just walking around through that mess and Kelly is piled up on the couch. I guess Michael can only do so much. Gil points out that Hailey left him out of her picture for Granny, but she did add in JebJud. In their weekly vlog Travis offers an apology to their followers for NOT showing their kids enough and promises to move away from house content and back to filming his family. You read that right… this “man” is apologizing for not exploiting his kids enough. We see Katie and Travis struggling to choose the perfect white paint, and Carlin and Evan show up to make the decisions for them. Travis also admits that it was a huge mistake to buy a white couch while having a dog and babies. Katie snags a HomeGoods sponsorship and shows off her freshly painted very white walls and very neutral floor. She will probably get in trouble with Travis for not having Hailey star in the ad.
3. Josie Balka is back on social media and she is all in. The hair pool noodles have restocked and you just know Josie’s baby hairs are screaming in terror for what is to come. She sneaks a like on Kelly’s birthday post to Lexi Webster and that hasn’t happened in years. We see a picture of baby Miles with Kelton at what appears to be a construction site… are they building their McMansion yet? Josie shares a minivlog of her 5am wake up that is really an ad for a protein powder. After her workout, we see Hazel floating about in the ever present polyester princess dress. Josie seems thinner than ever. Josie decides to give her followers a tour of her nightstand because she has so many questions about what is on it. She links a $170 alarm clock, $400 hair vitamins, Rihanna’s Fenti lip mask, and a $1400 bed cooling system. SO damn relatable. Meanwhile, her followers have an iphone to wake up, Suave shampoo and conditioner, Chapstick and an oscillating fan. This week, Josie does every single thing while in her hair roller. She bakes sourdough cinnamon rolls for Lydia, and films several tutorials and GRWMs. Her how to video has about 87 steps for washing and curling hair and the commenters say they don’t have that kind of time. Josie appears to have endless time, even though she also has 3 children. She tells us that she and Kelton are working hard to perfect latte art. Every picture she shows on IG appears to be either a fist or… lady parts. But she’ll keep trying because what else could she possibly have to do? She films herself getting ready to get a haircut and rips the tags off of a brand new pair of Levi’s. She tags and links the jeans so I guess they are a new sponsor. She happily tells us the size of the jeans… they are size 000/xxs and feature a 24 inch waist. They have a built in button system to cinch the waist, and of course she needs the very last button. Like I said… girlie is thin.
4. Alyssa Webster finally posted for Lexi’s birthday, after Kelly Jo stole her thunder. It appears that Lexi’s birthday celebration involved a stop at her mom’s favorite coffee shop, a 20 dollar bill and a tiny little cake at her grandparent’s house. At least she didn’t have to wait 5 months to celebrate this year. Of course Lurch took her out on the yearly creepy daddy daughter date and it appears they went to the deserted park where Alyssa forced everyone to give her their most painful smile. A random little girl appears in the pictures and Alyssa says her mom is a “childhood friend”…. Her name is Mary and I really believe she just happened to be at the park with her daughter and Alyssa convinced her to pose for a picture and have her face filtered off with the rest of them. Later in the week Alyssa reverts back to the new “Clean” filter that leaves only nostrils and hair behind. She sits in her car talking to her phone and tells us that she is patting herself on the back because she finally worked up the courage to take her heathen children to both a park and a bounce house. She tries to keep a smile on her face as she fake laughs through a story about the chaos she and her 5 children caused at the bounce house. I don’t understand why she makes these kids sound so awful, but maybe it’s because they never go anywhere and have no clue how to act in public? Anyway, Rhett whined and cried and the others squirmed and called her name over and over and she came off like a desperate mom (her words) so the staff and other customers had to assist her. She is saying all of this through a filter that gives her 2 holes in the middle of her face and fried wild hair and… whew… she is just a tragic figure. Congratulations to the Webster kids for finally getting beyond the sidewalk. Keep giving her hell!
5. Whitney Bates is a one woman show these days. Her sidekick Carlin seems to be nowhere in sight and Whitney has to handle everything at the boutique as Carlin becomes a (very) silent partner. BSB has started featuring a Bible verse on Sunday and they are pushing the “modest fashion” hashtag while also selling shorter and shorter dresses. They are also selling sweaters for $80 and $80 jeans. How long until their average price point is $100? This week they took their $40 sale online and show markdowns that are only $10 off the original prices on most items. While she runs the boutique, she is also not slouching on influencing and has scored a Chick-fil-a sponsorship. In the comments, someone asks her what her husband does. She says he “does real estate”, helps at the boutique and “has fun” filming his cooking show. We see you Whitney. We HEAR you. After a Chick-fil-a lunch, there is a tagged Waffle House supper, and then Whitney shows off a bowl of ground beef, tortilla chips and shredded cheese and calls it taco salad. Zach shows up to take the girls to their tumbling lesson and that earns him major praise from the wife. Whitney also has a Joanna Gaines sponsorship this week and shows off the new Magnolia cookbook. Meanwhile, she tells the same tales over and over for the same products…it’s the same old easy plant, and the same old picture of a scrape on the skin repair ad. In this week’s Bates Kitchen, it’s an old show featuring that jerk Chef Tim teaching Zach how to cook a frozen steak. This was filmed when Zach had a messed up thumb so if you want to watch him stick his dirty hand brace in all the food… this one is for you.
6. The world’s most boring pregnancy rolls on over at the Trace Bates house. Lydia sends Trace out for a late night McDonald’s Sprite that she is craving and films him walking back in the house, chunking it at her and walking off, rolling his eyes. Trying to drum up excitement for their gender (non)reveal, Lydia films a reel about old wives tales. She says 8 of them fit a girl, and 3 fit a boy. Then she takes Ryker to the mall to walk around and waste time. The baby is dressed in all white. Wonder how much she spends a month on Spray and Wash? Commenters on her reel keep saying that they already know the baby’s gender because Trace said it in the Clark’s video…and Trace loses sleep staying up to delete every comment. JebJud gets dropped off at the tiny house for a birthday sleep over. I think this is the youngest JebJud and he shares a birthday with Trace. The weekly vlog goes back in time almost 2 months to show their gender reveal. First up though… Trace reveals why Kelly is in a wrist cast. She tells us that Duke the dog was staying with them…and he is not leash trained. She tried to take him on a walk and he drug her and broke her wrist. Just to recap…we now have Alyssa on record saying the dog is terrifying, Kelly Jo with an actual injury from the dog… and Tiffy who obviously appears afraid of the dog. Moving on…. The reveal is at Lydia’s parents’ house and they all visibly hate Trace sticking a camera in their face. Gil and Kelly show up separately and Josie is there alone… with natural people looking hair. Seriously… where are the big, blow out curls she only seems to have in her bathroom? Anyway… Lydia puts her siblings to work setting up an entire backdrop of white so they can sit on it with a white cake that Ryker is supposed to tear up and reveal the gender. He doesn’t want to get cake all over his beige outfit, so he hits the cake with a spoon and… surprise, surprise… it’s a girl. Lydia is less than enthused. Trace Bates with a daughter… yikes.
7. Erin Paine is living that suburban life now and happy that Chad has no choice but to let her document it all. It’s JaneJane’s birthday and we see her kids facetiming with their great grandma. She also films her family around the dinner table. It’s a sobering look at very thin children, with heads bowed in prayer and plates sparsely filled with beans, lettuce and sour cream. There is a basket of tortilla chips on the table and we see Chad side-eyeing the camera while clinching his jaw. Good luck choking down that head of lettuce sprayed with sour cream CHEE-ADD. This week’s vlog features Erin and Chad front and center, grasping each other’s hands and ready for a Q and A. Erin is dressed like a PTA president from 1988 in a bright orange blazer and Chad is dressed like…a dead beat. In any case… this Q and A is really just a way to promote their products, and what they want future content to be. Erin is marketing herself as a self-educated health guru and Chad is encouraging her. She continually looks to him for reassurance… She also explains again why they are suddenly calling Carson his given name of Charles. After telling us that everyone has been calling him Charles for at least a year… She immediately calls him Carson again. I’m not sure who she is attempting to convince. They tell us over and over again how happy they are to have their church community to lift them up and help them… The church gave them a washer and dryer, a swing set and helped with their moving expenses. Chad does not mention Work beyond saying he plans to build out a school room in the new rental. They both say this is the largest house they have ever lived in although Erin continues to say it has been a huge adjustment for her, and she misses living in the country. As soon as those cotton tops in that church realize that the Paine family are master grifters… She will be back in the woods playing with goats.
8. Michael and Brandon were not spotted all week. Their social media break should be coming to an end now that it’s February. I guess we will see what the Keilans have to offer… Maybe Brandon will film Michael toiling away at the big house and running from one sibling’s house to the next caring for their children.
9. Lawson and Tiffany flew home from their Miami vacation and Lawson had to point out he was crossing over the Gulf of America… No one has to guess how terrible these people are because they show us daily. Tiffany posted another dumb Wife reel to her Instagram and showed plenty of close-ups of baby Will. Just to prove that she is equally as terrible as her husband… She posts herself cheering that “America is back baby.” They show a few clips from their vacation and Tiffy tells us what a real man Lawson is because he is carrying all of the bags. They also received promotional gifts from Cracker Barrel and a baby clothing company. They finally drop a new Vlog and it starts three weeks ago when Nashville had a snowstorm. Lawson runs in and out of the house acting like a complete jackass over the snow while Tiffy over explains every single thing they are doing… Lawson shows Duke the dog in their garage… Lawson takes him out in the snow and tells us that Duke is now going back into the warm house with the family to hang beside the fireplace… This is a lie because we later see Duke eating his food out in the garage… We have never seen Duke inside the house lounging while Tiffy and the baby are there. Every time Duke shows up… Tiffany has a look of dread on her face. They flashback to Christmas Eve in California with Tiffany’s family heading to the beach to see the sunset… Lawson and Tiffany mention a sibling for Will or more babies at least four times. This is a super Lawson heavy Vlog, where Tiffy only makes a few appearances. This Vlog has about 100,000 less views than Lawson‘s last Vlog featuring his dad‘s birthday. Lawson wishes Trace and JebJud a happy birthday with several posts, including one where he and Trace are pretending to be a brooding young Elvis Presley. The King is surely rolling in his grave… and I don’t feel so well myself.
10. Kelly Jo has a bevy of birthdays to post about this week beginning with her mother-in-law Janie. Momma Jane is turning 85 and Kelly just now seems to be getting to know her. She also promotes a months worth of her kids Vlogs and says she’s had lots of time to catch up while she is recuperating. Everyone gets promoted so I guess Kris Jo gets her 10%. Kelly really lays it on thick in Layla‘s birthday post calling her a real life princess and the absolute star of their show. She also says Layla is mature beyond her years… She’s five! She calls Trace her best friend in his birthday greeting and rains praises on him for all he does for Jeb… She makes it sound like Trace and Lydia are raising the child.
Have a great week friends… The groundhog saw its shadow and the crows are feeding in the fields… My granddaddy used to say that meant the weather was going to be changing soon… Sunshine and almost 80 in my neck of the woods this week gives me a little bit of spring fever!