How to get out of my head

It’s been 4 days since we officially broke up after over a week of uncertainty. I think he knew the whole time, but he kept asking for time to think. When we finally had our last conversation on Tuesday, he hit me with the classic, ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ Ever since then, I’ve missed him so much. I’ve had some good friends checking up on me and making an effort to help me feel less alone, but honestly, none of it helps. Sometimes, being around them makes me miss him even more because I know they’re not him, and it doesn’t fill the void.

The breakup was so unexpected, and maybe that’s why I’m struggling to process it. I just want to be alone, and I don’t want to be around anyone except him. I’ve been left thinking that this whole breakup is my fault. I can’t stop replaying all the times I didn’t understand what he needed and how I got caught up in trying to become the person I thought he wanted me to be. I feel like I stopped being myself, and now all I can think about is how I didn’t appreciate him enough.

It just feels so wrong that we’re not together. Even my friends were shocked—they thought I was joking when I told them he broke up with me. Everyone saw us as an ‘endgame’ couple, and it’s been really hard to come to terms with it.

I don’t know if it’s normal to feel so responsible for everything that went wrong. He told me, ‘It’s not you, it’s me,’ which feels like a way to avoid telling me the full truth. He apologized for not being able to lean on me or open up, and I think that’s a big part of what was happening. He was always so good to me—he would listen when I was emotional—but he could never express what was going on in his head. I used to think that was just who he was, but now I realize he didn’t know how to talk to me about deeper things. I feel like he was working so hard to make me happy that he couldn’t focus on himself, and somehow, but I feel responsible for that too. I’ve been thinking of every time I was insecure and let it out on him, wishing I could have just appreciated what we had. He used to open up more, and I feel like it’s my fault that he stopped being as honest with me. I guess the one thing he could never really be honest about is where he might have been overthinking in the relationship. He just really convinces me that he just wasn’t like that.

I don’t know if I’m stuck in a loop of idolizing him, or if I am the perpetrator or somewhere in between. I hate that he couldn’t fully explain why he wanted to end it, despite me giving him so much time to think, because now I’m left with every possibility.

I know it’s going to be okay and that it will take time, but I don’t know how to begin to process all these emotions. I’ve been talking to all my friends non stop, he’s all I can think about- I’m quickly falling super behind in school. But truthfully, the only person I want to talk about all this with is him. I want OUT of this brain space I’m in. I’m tired of thinking about him.