Why is cleaning so painful for me?

I am so angry right now guys.

I feel like crying and I’m so angry and my brain and body for being so difficult.

I moved to my new apartment last August. I didn’t have like anything (before I lived out of the country, then at a family home) so it’s been a lot. I have put together 15+ pieces of furniture (and I still have maybe 5 still to go), bought a bunch of organizing stuff, decorated, hung drapes, got a couple of cats, etc.

So, it’s been a process. And 6 months later I am STILL not settled.

I fight with myself every damn day to get things done. I know I will feel better and my mind with be calmer when it’s all clear and organized—but I fucking hate it. I don’t want to do it. I’m almost crying rn.

The weird thing is, I love organizing! I love things being clean! I have so much fun cleaning other peoples stuff—

I’ve tried so many ways of motivating myself, punishing myself, setting deadlines and goals… but it still feels like I am going to die if I clean. I just want to have a normal brain for once. 😭

I also am a FT single mom, FT student, I work a couple of days a week, and I volunteer at my kids school. So I know I have a lot on my plate, but that being said, even if I had nothing to do I’d try my best to avoid cleaning.

I have been this way since I was a kid. It’s too overwhelming. I try lists, bribes, deadlines, boxes (like putting stuff in a box then putting it away), buying proper tools and organizing things, shaming myself, praising myself, food, caffeine, scheduling, yelling, accepting how much I hate it, using select language, working with my PDA (pathological demand avoidance), staying up late, tiring myself out, drinking (I don’t drink anymore but it has chilled me out in the past), making things so messy I can’t avoid it (putting clothes on bed, dropping trash on floor)…

So, I’m posting here. Maybe someone is cleaning too and we can body double? Does anyone have any advice? Most of the time I just hold my breath and do it, but I’m exhausted rn and it’s giving me a headache.

Pictured are two of my biggest mess makers (the biggest being me, and then my son) and my Christmas tree that is still up. I just realized it’s February yesterday and I don’t know what to do because I’m embarrassed to take it to the dumpster. 😭 I guess I’ll have to like stay up till 3am and sneak out when everyone else is sleeping).

I am so angry right now guys.

I feel like crying and I’m so angry and my brain and body for being so difficult.

I moved to my new apartment last August. I didn’t have like anything (before I lived out of the country, then at a family home) so it’s been a lot. I have put together 15+ pieces of furniture (and I still have maybe 5 still to go), bought a bunch of organizing stuff, decorated, hung drapes, got a couple of cats, etc.

So, it’s been a process. And 6 months later I am STILL not settled.

I fight with myself every damn day to get things done. I know I will feel better and my mind with be calmer when it’s all clear and organized—but I fucking hate it. I don’t want to do it. I’m almost crying rn.

The weird thing is, I love organizing! I love things being clean! I have so much fun cleaning other peoples stuff—

I’ve tried so many ways of motivating myself, punishing myself, setting deadlines and goals… but it still feels like I am going to die if I clean. I just want to have a normal brain for once. 😭

I also am a FT single mom, FT student, I work a couple of days a week, and I volunteer at my kids school. So I know I have a lot on my plate, but that being said, even if I had nothing to do I’d try my best to avoid cleaning.

I have been this way since I was a kid. It’s too overwhelming. I try lists, bribes, deadlines, boxes (like putting stuff in a box then putting it away), buying proper tools and organizing things, shaming myself, praising myself, food, caffeine, scheduling, yelling, accepting how much I hate it, using select language, working with my PDA (pathological demand avoidance), staying up late, tiring myself out, drinking (I don’t drink anymore but it has chilled me out in the past), making things so messy I can’t avoid it (putting clothes on bed, dropping trash on floor)…

So, I’m posting here. Maybe someone is cleaning too and we can body double? Does anyone have any advice? Most of the time I just hold my breath and do it, but I’m exhausted rn and it’s giving me a headache.

Pictured are two of my biggest mess makers (the biggest being me, and then my son) and my Christmas tree that is still up. I just realized it’s February yesterday and I don’t know what to do because I’m embarrassed to take it to the dumpster. 😭 I guess I’ll have to like stay up till 3am and sneak out when everyone else is sleeping).