I think I Might Regret Keeping my son

Hey guys - before I start this post, I just want to say I KNOW I'm a selfish, horrible person.

I'm a new mom to a 4.5 month old baby boy. The newborn phase was not that bad - I got through it and I had the support of his grandparents.
I got pregnant from hooking up with a guy in exchange for some drugs. I would have gotten an abortion but I live in a red state, didn't have health insurance at the time, and didn't find out I was pregnant until 5 months (I did not do drugs or drink throughout my ENTIRE pregnancy - that night I slept with the guy was the last time I did drugs - so my son is okay ) I actually planned on having him adopted - I had his family picked out and everything, but changed my mind super last minute after he was born.

I'm trying to get his dad on child support, and it's a stressful situation. His dad is ignoring the state, their letters, and now we have a court date set up - if he doesn't show up then he gets a default judgement and they'll automatically start garnishing his wages.I am a little worried about my son being in his custody when/if the guy ever comes around and decides to actually parent him - leading me to believe maybe I should just drop the case against him and raise him without his dad's support.

I was a homeless dancer before I had my son. I'm in school now, and I'm an esthetician so I'm trying to get a hustle going to be financially independent. I'm struggling immensely though - with my mental health and facing the reality that I'm going to be taking care of another human being that's half of someone I didn't even truly love - and evidently he hates me as well. I was bitter before I became a single mom, and I'm even more bitter now. I have never been truly loved, and I'm barely able to take care of myself, so I don't feel like I'm in the space to take care of someone else.

I love my son - he's absolutely adorable and he deserves the best - and the best is not his broke, egomaniac mother. I care too much about vanity - I'm a jealous and bitter person, I even think I'm a bit sociopathic. I don't really know if I'm truly nurturing, or if it's performative because it's what's expected of me as a mom. I don't think my son is "baggage" but he's very clear evidence that I have baggage. I prop feed him at night because I can't and refuse to get up multiple times throughout the night to sit up for 20 minutes and feed him.

I've never been loved, and now I'm expected to love someone else. I've never been taken care of, and now I'm expected to take care of someone else. I'm expected to pay for someone else's existence when I can barely fund my own. And I've never been loved or spoiled, so I make it a priority to spoil myself when I can. I even feel better when I go places without him attached to me - because I'm away from the image of "single mother"
My emotions are very diffcult for me to decipher - I think I love him. He's adorable, and it makes me happy to see him smile and laugh, but sometimes when he's crying I feel like leaving him by himself in another room.

I'm considering adoption again. Should I go through with it? His grandparents are getting older in age - and his grandmother can be quiet verbally abusive. His grandfather is a narcissist - his own sons don't even come around to see him anymore - so he's not that much better off with them either.