AITAH for confronting a colleague who said she’d date me “if I weren’t Indian”?

I’m a 27(M) of Kashmiri Pandit descent, currently in my second year of surgical residency at a top U.S. hospital. Things were great initially, but over the past few months, some American friends/colleagues have made backhanded “compliments” about how I “don’t seem Indian.” They claim I’m “cooler” because I lack the accent, eat non-vegetarian food, and “don’t look Indian” (I have lighter skin as a lot of Kashmiri people have and a cauliflower ear from wrestling growing up in Haryana, which has a strong wrestling culture). They even mock my ears, saying, ,"We didn't know your people wrestled."

I’ve tried explaining that India is diverse—we have 1.4 billion people with varying accents, diets, and appearances. But they brush it off, saying I should be grateful people don’t associate me with Indians as they are not seen as cool as other minorities. This includes an attending who recently said, “You’re Indian? You don’t look like one.”

Last week, at a resident meetup party, a friend of mine (26/F) sitting a little far from me and she and another girl were talking about their dating lives when she said, “I’d have dated him if he wasn’t Indian,” pointing at me. I snapped and told her, “Even if you wanted to, I wouldn’t date someone with your values.” She started crying, and now my colleagues are calling me an AH. They claim she “liked me” and was “insecure,” so her comment wasn’t malicious. But after months of these microaggressions, I’m exhausted.

AITAH for shutting her down? I’m tired of being told I’m “not like those Indians” while working alongside dozens of Indian colleagues (some South Indian, some American-born, etc.) who face the same stereotypes. My friends say I overreacted, but I feel disrespected—not just for me, but for my culture.

Some additional points-

  • My cauliflower ear is from wrestling in Haryana, which they’d know if they ever asked instead of assuming Indians don’t do “rough” sports.

  • 40% of our residents are Indian, yet the stereotyping persists.

  • I’m now getting the cold shoulder for “embarrassing” her, but I’m done being their “acceptable Indian.”

So, Reddit—was I the AH?

Thank you guys!!#

Thank you all for your positive comments and I'll keep in mind all of your advice.

---Signing out---